Chapter 32 Giving alms

I didn’t know if he was praising me or dispraising me for he gave no answer. He jumped into the water again as his strongly-built body swam across the pool like a giant merman. He swam back and forth in the water and approached me saying, “What you said does make sense. I will definitely pull him out no matter who he is; but whether Mu Chen did it or not, you’d better stay away from him and never to get close to him again.” He spoke in a non-negotiable tone and swam away. Then he never spoke to me again. Feeling bored standing there, I went back to my room alone. During the breakfast time that morning, I spoke to Jacky Hua that I wanted to go out for work. “The only work you need to do is to take care of Lucas.” he said coldly. “Lucas went to the childcare center at his two. He is such an independent boy that I don’t need to stay with him, not to mention that he is at the kindergarten now. You know, before I met you, I had been working, too.” I explained. He snatched the milk cup to take a small sip, and wiped his lips gently with tissue, saying, “That’s because he couldn’t afford to support you, but I can, and will do better than him.” It's true. In the past, I worked during the day and took care of a child after work at night. When I was extremely exhausted and felt like dying, I thought about how good it would be if I had had a man who could support me so that I would have never been so tired from work. But when I really led this kind of life, I realized that this kind of life didn’t give me a sense of stability, but on the contrary, made me more anxious. Because I knew that all I had did not really belong to me. It was given by others who could stop the alms at any time, and even take back the previous ones. When I was driven out by Jacky, I didn't even have a place to go. Finally, I returned to my original residence, which was also his charity. Otherwise, I had to sleep out on the streets. I didn't want to lead this kind of life, and I couldn't be someone else’s pet having no autonomy: Being fed meat when the owner is happy and kicked away when he is angry. “What are you thinking about?” cried the voice of Jacky bringing back my thoughts. “I don’t want you to support me. I need work.” I said firmly. He remained silent for a while and continued to say, “I can support you for a period of time until you feel better. And you can’t go to whichever company at will, which means the job you can take must be designated by me. “The only thing that bounds us together is the marriage certificate. But you can never restrict all my life with it. You don’t have the right to do so! Of course, I will follow your advice but won’t completely obey you. I haven’t been and will not be a puppet controlled by anyone.” After sipping the last sip of his milk, Jacky put down the glass on the table in a heavy manner. Then he stood up, saying, “Lucas, your mom will pick you up this afternoon and I will be back later today.” “Okay. See you, Uncle Hua.” said Lucas waving his hands. Jacky turned around and leaned over to kiss Lucas on the cheek. The tenderness in his eyes warmed me again. After Jacky left for a while, people who specially picked up Lucas to school also took him away, then leaving only three servants and me at home. When I was going to help the servants, they always refused to accept my favor and begged me not to bother. I, a person who had been used to struggling for life, became so idle and therefore felt more and more irritable. Every day, I stepped up- and downstairs from first floor to second floor, feeling myself like a bird in a cage. Feeling bored and having nothing to do, I looked up to the third floor, the secret garden of Jacky. I had to admit that everyone had an “evil” in their heart, including me. That “evil” was an impetus that was alluring me to explore the third floor. Once, I broke a crystal photo frame and was slapped hard, and chased out by Jacky. Now that I have paid the price of breaking into his forbidden zone, why don’t I enter and see it clearly? It was a forbidden place for Lin Nan didn’t come back then. Now that she’s back, everything about her is no longer a secret, and it should not be consecrated as a fetish any more. So the “devil” in my heart found me dozens of reasons why I could go upstairs to the third floor again. And I successfully found the key and went upstairs. The piano was still there but the photo frame was repaired. Although the traces of repair could be obviously seen, it was already close to its original appearance. I felt as if I saw Jacky getting down on one knee to pick up the broken pieces on the floor. His grave sadness really shocked me. Even though he didn't say a word, his deep and strong love for that girl was apparently felt. There wouldn’t be such heavy sadness overflowing without deep love. That state of sadness could never be pretended at all, but burst out from within. Thinking about this, I felt bitter in my heart, doubting that I was jealous of her. But on the second thought, was I qualified to be jealous of? Although we got the marriage certificate to be a legal couple, I have the self-knowledge that the reason why he married me was because of the child. Now that he has successfully obtained the custody of the child, I became the old slippers he can throw away at any time. I slowly exited the room and walked to another. In this room, there were more things. On the table laid many braille books (books for blind people to read). It occurred to me that Jacky’s sister once told me that he hadn’t seen anything for two years. These braille books should be what he had used at that time. Although I’ve never been blind, I have seen blind people and knew their hardships. When a person is in his most frustrated period, what he needs most is care and love of others. It was said that Nan Lin had been taking good care of Jacky for those two years, so he had such a deep love for her. Putting aside the jealousy in my heart, I really understood him, cause’ people are all made of flesh and blood. If I were blind, whoever would take care of me for two years, I would also be grateful for him for the rest of my life. There was also a photo frame in this room on which Jacky was stunning in a white shirt and black sunglasses. But seen from his posture, he should have been blind at that time. His body leaned slightly to the left as if he had been held by someone, or maybe he had been just snuggling against someone. But strangely, the other half of the photo was cut off, even the part of Jacky’s left hand. If this were a photo of Jacky and Nan Lin, according to his deep love for her, he would by no means cut the other half of the photo. Then who did that? Staring at it for a long time, I couldn't see anything wrong. I carefully put the photo back to where it was for I couldn’t get anything wrong this time. While I was looking at a few other things in the room, my phone rang suddenly, which frightened me a lot. At the sight of the calling number, I got even more nervous...