Chapter 12

I could feel the car spinning as the screech of metal against cement pierced my senses and the toppling over of the car as I was thrown into the embrace of the seat belt before it all came to a stop and silence filled the night but the problem is, a huge weight was settled on top of me and I’m hanging upside down.

I felt something wet sliding down the side of my head and my head throbbed. My eyelids felt heavy but I can’t shake off the feeling that I shouldn’t be sleeping.

I felt my throat going dry when I saw the face above me and the dread settled in the pit of my stomach as panic surged through me.

I faintly heard my brother’s voice telling me that a panic man is a dead man but he didn’t say anything about keeping calm when he was the one causing me to hyperventilate.

“No No NO! Bry? Bry?! No, this cannot be happening. Bry?! Wake up, please wake up!” I pleaded and begged but no matter how many times I did, he didn’t open his eyes.

I waited for the moment when that smirk of his will appear and he’ll whisper a “Boo!” but it never came.

I sobbed uncontrollably and screamed myself hoarse. Yet I didn’t feel a thing, I kept on screaming with what I have left, hoping anyone would hear me. The tears left my eyes as I felt sorrow fill me and hope ejecting itself from my core.

“HELP! SOMEONE HELP US! PLEASE! HELP! SOMEONE PLEASE!” I tried thrashing around, trying to reach an opening, anything.

I started choking in the midst of my panic and my whole body quivered as I made an attempt to keep the screams at bay.

My brain didn’t want to cooperate since it was too busy worrying about whether or not my brother is still alive.

“Bry?! Hang on! Don’t leave me! Bry-”

I opened my eyes and shot onto a sitting position as my whole body trembled. It’s just a dream. Just a dream, I chanted but it wasn’t helping as I curled up into a ball and sobbed onto my knees. I tried convincing myself it was a dream but truth is, my conscience knew it was more than that and refused to acknowledge the lies that I was feeding myself to soothe my nerves.

I felt a hand land onto my back and started rubbing it soothingly, causing me to flinch. Raising my head, I came face to face with Monic who was giving me a sad smile. I looked around and met the confused and worried stares of the guys.

I rubbed my eyes furiously, not liking the fact that they saw me cry. “Sorry, did I wake you up?” I willed the lump in my throat to go away as I cleared my throat, hating how vulnerable I sounded. My throat was still dry and a hand offered me a glass of water which I gratefully took.

After fussing over me, I finally managed to convince them that it was just a nightmare.

Monic, though, was a much more different story. She knew better to trust my every word but she also knew I didn’t like to let anyone see me in such a disheveled state. It was weak and it was disgusting.

She managed to help me convince them and told them that she’ll keep me company.

She knew of the nightmares. It happened a month before she decided to move out of the state and start fresh elsewhere and I can’t blame her for that, I know what it feels like; to be desperate to leave everything behind in hopes that it won’t chase you, praying that it will let you escape its grip.

But it has never been that case, it can never be. You can’t outrun your past. It will always catch up to you no matter how many seconds of a head-start it gives you. The best thing you can do is either face it or tolerate it.

Monic looked at me and I can see her eyes brimming with tears as she hugged me. I could feel a sob rising in my throat.

No, I have to be strong. Monic needs me to be strong. I have to be strong. I chanted and it was like a mantra. The sob slid back to wherever it came from and I rubbed Monic’s back soothingly in silence.

“It’s okay, Case. I know you miss him too. Let it out. Don’t bottle it up, it can hurt you.” Monic whispered into my ear as she sniffled and behind her words, I found the comfort I can only find from her. She was as much as a sister to Bryant as I was. Bryant loved her as much as he loved me and she is family.

Bryant’s death affected her as much as it affected me so if there was anyone who can understand me, it’s Monic. She knew how much grief I have to deal with, the pain I have to endure and the guilt in me. She doesn’t have nightmares about it because she wasn’t there but I know she loves Bryant.

Her words brought back the sadness I felt and this time, I let go.

It was her turn to cradle my head as I sobbed and wept into her pajamas as flashes of the aftermath of the crash filtered my mind.

“I’m a horrible person, Mo. I just had to be so selfish. If only I just stayed home then Bryant would still be here, you and Dom wouldn’t have left and everything-” I stopped to catch my breath and hiccupped as my chest rose and sank irregularly, fighting for air through my sobs. “Everything would’ve stayed perfect. Bryant would’ve bit off Adam’s head if he ever laid a hand on me and I would still have my brother back. We would’ve still had our scary big brother. It’s my fault, Mo. It’s entirely my fault. I’m so sorry.”

I took Bryant from Monic’s life, from Dom’s life and most of all, from Maddison’s life. It was my fault and my doing that she is who she is now. If I just stayed home and ignore the taunts of the popular girls in challenging me, Bryant will be the one comforting me — no, Bryant won’t have to because there won’t be anyone to grieve over.

I wanted to blend in the crowd so hard and I did blend in during that party in the middle of the night but it cost me the brother I love dearest hours after it was over.
It wasn’t fair. Life wasn’t fair. I was just a girl. I was young, naïve and completely oblivious to the cruelty of life when all that ignorance was snatched away form me and transformed me into this, a broken girl, longing to feel her brother’s warm hugs and kisses again. He was what kept me sane.

I was 16, and what did life decide to throw at me? The death of my brother. The death of the only person who cared for me all those years, who would pick me up when I’m too weak to stand on my own and who would give me the best hugs anyone can give.

But that’s life. It doesn’t care if you’re ready, it’ll toss you into a sea of sharks where anything can happen when it sees you fit. Some sharks might nip your skin, some might ignore you and swim pass and some might just eat you up whole.

“No, Case. It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t. I’m not going to let you blame yourself. It wasn’t your fault.” I sobbed in hearing her words. She may not have blamed me but because of my stubborn nature, my brother had to clean up my mess after me and it cost him his life.

I didn’t bother answering her and just stayed there, accepting any form of comfort she can offer and let the tears continue to fall.

Soon enough, the tears stopped and I could feel myself drift away and my senses dulling while my eyelids drooped, feeling heavier and heavier by the second.
Monic seemed to have caught on and laid me down on Bryant’s old bed and covered me up with the blanket as my eyes shut closed. She shuffled back to my bed and I could faintly trace out her silhouette as she let herself be engulfed by the covers. Her back was turned against me and as I feel another lone tear drop out of my left eye, I let my eyelids drop and I welcomed the darkness.

What saddens me most is the fact that once I accepted the fact that Bryant is gone forever, I realized that the memories me made wasn’t enough and now that I finally realize it, it’s too late and the memories that I already have of him will have to be enough to fill the gap in my heart.

‘I love you, Bryant. You’ll always be close to my heart’ was the last thought that entered my mind right before sleep sucked me into its dark vortex.