Chapter 4

One month later

“Counseling isn’t working,” my father said. “She won’t go to most of the sessions, and it’s been a month. What about Arizona? Should she go back home?”

I shouldn’t have been eavesdropping, but the temptation was too great. They’d been in the kitchen talking about what to do with me for the last twenty minutes, and I finally gave in, moving from my room to sit at the top of the stairs.

And no shit, Sherlock.

The whole push for counseling had started right away. It was Grams’s idea, and everyone except me agreed with it. I’d fought hard, but nothing I said made a difference. So, I resorted to some stupid-shit tricks. And I say stupid shit, because it was as basic as I could get. I didn’t go. Literally. If they dropped me off, I went in and left once the car moved ahead. If they parked and waited the whole hour, I went out through a back door.

The only way I would’ve stayed the entire hour was if one of my parents went in with me, and I knew that wasn’t happening. Deep down, they were about as fond of counseling as I was. So, no, it wasn’t working. After a few missed appointments, the counselor called my parents, and I don’t know what they discussed, but something shifted. I bargained down to one session every other month. That was the most I’d agree to, and anyone who thought it wasn’t enough could suck it. It wasn’t their twin who died.

“Nan Jensen was telling me about the Portside Country Club,” my mom replied. “They have programs that Mackenzie could attend. Her daughter goes to them with her friends. She says they’re very beneficial for her daughter, teaches her respect and how to act like a lady.”

My dad’s snort told me his thoughts on that suggestion. “What about back home? That’d be more beneficial, wouldn’t it?”

“You want to fly her back and forth the rest of summer? I don’t think that would be helpful. Besides, you can’t push her Arizona friends like that. I talked to Emily and Amanda.”

“Who are Emily and Amanda?”

“You know, Emily Christopherson and Amanda Green. Their daughters are Mackenzie’s friends in Arizona—”

“The ladies you had your wine walks with?”

I almost smiled as I imagined Mom bristling. Dad thought the wine walks were stupid. Mom thought they were the next best thing to going to church.

“Yes. Those ladies.” Her voice dipped low, almost a growl. “But I talked to them about Zoe and Gianna. They said they want to be there for Mackenzie, but you know how it is. Teenagers don’t know what to say, so they hold off.”

“Isn’t that the same with adults?” Dad griped. “We haven’t heard from Tony and Danielle since the funeral.”

Silence.

A sniffle. “Well, we’re talking about Mackenzie’s friends right now—”

“If they don’t want to support their friend, then that’s on them. We have to deal with the here and now, and getting her into some form of activity is the best idea. She needs to be busy. She needs to be . . .”

I leaned forward, my hand wrapping tight around one of the stair posts. What was he about to say?

“What?” More sniffling, but she sniped back. “She needs to be gone? Away from us?”

“Tell me who Nan is again.” He was resigned.

This was fight number I’d-lost-count. This was what they did. They thought Robbie and I were sleeping, so the checkered flag dropped, and off they raced. They couldn’t get to fighting fast enough.

They assumed too much.

While they made sure Robbie was tucked in bed with his lights off, I got only a gentle tap on the door and a “You in bed, honey?” The term of endearment was on a rotating schedule. Every fifth night was honey. Others were sweetheart, baby girl, my sweet daughter, and Kenzilicious, and to answer their question, I never was. My light was always on, but they left after I replied with a loud and clear yes.

I shouldn’t complain. We’d spent a week with Grams and Grandpa, and it was a week too long. Our parents had been busy while we were away.

I didn’t know the specifics, but they got a new house. Then there was the funeral. It was in Portland because they’d buried Willow where we could visit her. We flew back to Arizona for a memorial service, though. It was more for everyone there—Willow’s friends, my friends, our parents’ friends, and relatives.

When we came back, we’d gone straight to the new house. I called it the new-new house since it was the second one we’d had in this town. Everything was already there for us, which was weird. In the new-new house, I didn’t share a bathroom with anyone. There were four bedrooms. My and Robbie’s were upstairs, and we each had our own bathroom. Our parents’ room was on the main floor, and we had a guest room in the basement.

There was no room for Willow.

She’d been the only one who’d already decorated her room in the first new house. No one else had completely unpacked.

Willow . . .

An image of Willow in her casket flashed in my head—no, I wasn’t going there.

My phone beeped.

I grabbed for it, silencing it so my parents didn’t know I was eavesdropping. Again.

Unlocking the screen, I saw the text was from Joe. A warm fluttery feeling spread in my chest.

Joe: Going to the movies with friends tonight. Want to come?

Movies? I checked the time. It was after nine. I typed back.

Me: Late movie?

Joe: Yes.

Me: What movie?

Joe: It’s the new superhero one. You in?

I didn’t care about the movie.

Me: Yes.

I wanted to see Joe, even if I had to sneak out.

We’d emailed at first. That had progressed to him calling our hotel room. Once I got a new phone, we texted daily.

He mostly asked how Robbie was. I asked how Warcraft was. He’d asked twice if I could sleep okay. I never answered. The answer was always no, but that was depressing. I didn’t want my conversations with Joe to be sad. Everything else was steeped in sadness, but I didn’t want it to touch him. Not anything to do with him. We’d seen him and Peach once. They came to the hotel to go swimming, but that’d been it. Robbie and I had been holed up in the new-new house for weeks.

Joe: Sweet. Pick you up in ten minutes.

Ten minutes? Wait.

Me: You know where I live?

Joe: Yeah. My friend lives next door. Be there in ten.

For the first time in a month and one day, I hoped my parents would keep fighting. I sneaked back to my room and dressed. My light was off, but to be safe, I did the whole pillow-acting-like-a-human-body under my covers.

Slipping out, I didn’t need to worry about going to the back door. The fight was still fully engaged. My parents never saw me on the stairs, and I headed out the front door. I was waiting on the curb when a car pulled up in front of me.

“Hey!” Joe rolled the passenger window down and gestured to the back seat.

Another guy was driving, bobbing his head up and down in rhythm with the bass blaring from the radio. He watched me where I stood, faint curiosity in his eyes.

“We gotta pick up one more. Then we’re good to go,” Joe told me as I got in.

Once I’d settled, the driver started off, and Joe twisted around. He pointed to the guy next to me, who held up a hand. “This is Tom Sanderson and Nick Lumoz.”

Nick was the driver, and he held up a hand but didn’t look back. “Yo.”

Tom nodded again, a friendly smile on his face. Both guys looked gangly. Each had their hair spiked like Joe’s and wore Portside High School shirts.

“Is this the chick who—”

Joe cut Tom off. “Yeah, so shut up.”

I caught the regret and sympathy that flashed in Tom’s eyes. They knew about my sister.

“Tom’s the guy Peach likes,” Joe explained.

“Ah, man.” Tom groaned, slinking down in his seat. He’d been tapping his hands on his legs but moved to cross his arms. “It isn’t something that’s supposed to be acknowledged. It’s the thing no one talks about, you know? Why’d you have to say something?”

“Because it’s wrong. All sorts of wrong.”

Nick snorted. “You didn’t think that way when my sister liked you last year.”

Joe turned sideways, facing the driver. “Because that was last year, and your sister’s hot.” His eyes flicked to mine, and he amended, “Not that I was interested in her.”

Tom snorted. “Right. Because that’s why.” He turned to me. “Nick’s parents split, and his sister went with her mom. He stayed with their dad because of basketball, and us.” He patted Nick’s seat. “Right? You couldn’t leave us. That’s why you didn’t go with your mom.”

Nick scowled in the rearview mirror. “Thanks for blasting my personal shit. No offense,” he added, looking at me.

Tom guffawed. “Whatever, man. And I said my thing because we know something personal about her. I felt it was fair.”

“Fine.” Nick leveled him with another look. “Then I’ll tell her how you’d really like to date Peach, but you don’t because of Joe. You’re too worried about losing him as a friend. How’s that feel, buddy?”

“You do?” Joe turned fully around.

Tom closed his eyes and heaved a deep sigh. “Oh God. This sucks.”

Joe frowned. “You actually want to date my sister? Since when?”

“Since never now,” Tom grumbled under his breath.

“Since May,” Nick said. “Since Parker’s party where they kissed.”

“You kissed my sister?”

“Shut up, Nick! You made your point. I’ll never share another thing about you unless I have your written approval.”

“Good. Glad we’re clear.”

“Crystal,” Tom snapped.

Joe sat back, waiting for the exchange to conclude and then turned to me. “My friends are idiots. They aren’t usually like this.”

“Yeah, we are,” Nick and Tom interjected at the same time.

Joe nodded. “Okay. They are. But . . .” He raised his voice, giving both a meaningful look. “Maybe they can simmer down? At least for the night or until after the movie?”

I shook my head. “Please. Keep going. I’m enjoying this.”

Tom held up a hand, and Joe narrowed his eyes. “Don’t think I’ll forget hearing about you and my sister. I know you talk on the phone, but kissing her is a whole other thing.”

“They kissed twice.”

“Shut up, Nick!” Tom yelled.

“Okay.” A satisfied smile stretched over Nick’s face. “Now I’m done.”

“You’re such an asshole.”

Nick lifted a shoulder as if to say meh before slowing the car and pulling into a driveway. I assumed another guy was coming out, so I was surprised when a girl came out the front door instead. Long, beautiful brown hair bounced behind her as she hurried down the sidewalk. Joe stepped out as she approached.

“You got shotgun,” he told her. “I’ll sit in the back.”

“What?” Then she got in and saw me. Understanding dawned as Joe sat next to me. “Oh.”

“Cora, this is Mackenzie.” Joe gestured between us. “Mackenzie, Cora.”

“Hi.” I waited, tensing slightly. You never knew what would happen if you encroached on another girl’s territory. I was the new girl, and I was ready for the bitchy comment, but nothing came.

Only a tiny bit of hurt flashed in her very aqua eyes before she tucked her hair behind her ear and looked down. “Hey.” The word was a soft mumble.

I felt bad. I didn’t need to be Robbie to know what that look meant. She liked Joe. And judging by the way Joe shut his door and said, “Ready to go!” he had no clue about her feelings.

The other two were quiet, watching Cora.

They cared about her, and she cared about Joe.

I’d stepped into something. I let out a soft sigh.

“You okay?” Joe asked, lowering his voice.

Nick had pulled out of the driveway and turned the music up louder. Cora looked over and mouthed thank you.

We drove with the music surrounding us for a while. Nick wasn’t talking. Cora wasn’t either, and Tom had settled back, looking out his window.

I turned to Joe, unsure of my place. “Are you meeting any other friends at the theater?”

He shook his head. “Nah. Just us.” He gave me a thoughtful look. “I wasn’t sure if I should ask you about the movie. Tom said the lights have been shutting off early. Since you guys hadn’t come over again, I thought maybe you were on lockdown.”

The knot in my stomach—the one that was always sitting there—loosened a small bit. I’d forgotten. This is how it had been with him before. And he wasn’t going to ask about the memorial service. He wasn’t going to ask how awful it had been to sit with my friends, who suddenly didn’t know what to say to me. I wouldn’t have to explain how they’d either stop crying or cry even harder when I walked into a room. He wasn’t going to ask about Willow’s boyfriend and how Duke couldn’t look at me, how no one could look at me.

I was there—the face they wanted but not the person they wanted.

With Joe, in this car, I wasn’t Willow’s surviving sister. I was just Mackenzie.

I nodded. “Kind of. I think my mom wants me to get out of the house and do more stuff.”

“That’s perfect. We’re doing shit all the time. You can hang with us.”

As Joe said that, I caught Cora watching us from the corner of her eye. Her lips tightened a bit at his suggestion.

“Uh, yeah. Maybe.”

“We’re hitting up a party later tonight, if you want to come to that.”

The invite came from Tom.

I lifted a shoulder. Old Mackenzie wouldn’t have gone—that was more of a Willow thing to do—but everything was different.

A party sounded like the best thing ever. “I would, actually.”

Cora lifted her head, giving Joe a wolfish grin. “Erin’s going to freak.”

The other two guys started laughing.

I frowned. “Peach’s friend Erin?”

Joe hardened. “Yeah, but she’s kind of an ex of mine too.” He leaned forward, raising his voice, “And I can do whatever I want.”

Peach’s friend who was also Joe’s ex, and she was going to freak because I was going to a party with him. This was the second situation I’d stepped into.

Lovely.

Cora glanced back at us. “She even has a hard time with me, and Joe and I have been friends since second grade.”

My lips thinned. “Let me guess. She’s popular at school?”

Cora’s eyebrows lowered. “She’s one of the most popular girls in school, even though she’s a junior this year. Stephanie Witts is the one from our grade.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Is she coming tonight too?”

Cora shook her head. “No, just Erin.”

Nick spoke up. “Erin’s included because of Peach and . . .” His eyes darted to Joe, and he shut his mouth.

Coughing, Tom said quickly, “But she isn’t the hottest.” He was smiling at me like he wanted to reassure me. “Don’t worry. You’re way hotter than she is.”

Cora squeaked.

My knot tightened back up.

“Tom.” Joe glared at him. “Shut the fuck up.”

“What?” Tom gazed around, blinking. “What’d I say?”

Cora shook her head, trying not to laugh. “You honestly need to get a clue one of these days.”

Tom looked mystified. “Huh?”

Nick pulled into the movie theater’s parking lot. We all piled out of the car, and the guys headed in first. Cora fell back to walk next to me. She looked up, tucked some hair behind her ear again, and dropped her gaze to the cement.

Her hand touched the back of mine lightly. “Can you hold back a second?”

I stopped.

Joe and the guys were going inside, and he glanced toward us. Holding the door open, he stood there, waiting.

I saw the question in his eyes and had to pull my gaze away. Cora was saying something. It seemed like something I needed to pay attention to, but all I wanted was to be next to Joe. I didn’t care about this Erin girl. I probably should’ve. My brain was telling me to be smart. I was entering high school drama. Joe was wanted, but I wasn’t surprised. He had that look—dark molten eyes, broad shoulders, trim waist. Both of those dimples. Lean, but muscled. His shirt rode up once, and I saw the six-pack there.

I’d noticed all this on day one.

He was going to have girls after him. Of course.

Willow would’ve been after him.

I blinked a few times, shocked at that thought. Yes. She would’ve. And I would’ve done nothing. After seeing that she’d claimed him, I would’ve melted into the background, found my own group of friends, and I would’ve had no problem in school. All these issues—Cora and the ex—these would’ve been Willow’s battles.

Was I taking her stuff on?

“So, you know.” Cora had finished whatever she was saying.

I cringed, but I had to ask. “Sorry. I spaced for a bit there.”

“Oh.” She frowned. “You lost your sister, right?”

I nodded.

“Look, maybe it isn’t my place, and I know we just met, but people have been talking about you. They don’t know about your sister. I mean, I haven’t heard any of that. Joe made us all promise not to say anything, and I’m guessing he threatened Peach too. She has a big mouth, so if it got out, it would be from her. But anyway, she told Erin you slept in Joe’s bed when you were there, and Erin freaked.” She rolled her eyes. “Erin could be inside, which is why I’m saying all this to you now. Joe doesn’t think things through sometimes. He doesn’t think Erin’s as bad as she is, but she’s evil incarnate. I swear.”

“Does she come at you sideways or straight on?”

“What?”

I wasn’t a fighter, but an eerie calm settled over me. “I need to know how to fight her, so how does she fight? Usual catty-bitch way? You know, saying shit behind my back and verbal jabs. Or is she a face-on bully kind of girl? There are all different sorts now.”

“Um . . .” Cora looked at the sky, her hands sliding inside her back pockets. “She has bleached blonde hair, and she’ll be surrounded by a whole bunch of girls. They all look the same. Glitter on their face, something pink. If she sees you inside, don’t go to the bathroom. She has a gang. They’ll come at you and try to hurt you but make it look like it was an accident.”

She was the type to sic her friends on me. I nodded. “Got it.”

“Wait.”

I had turned to go but looked back.

Cora seemed surprised. “Aren’t you scared?”

An image of Willow lying on the floor, her blood pooling around her, flashed in my head. “Not a goddamn bit.”

I started off. I was looking forward to this.