CHAPTER 8: ON AND BEYOND

Carmella's POV

After the test, Hope asked me if I am okay. I tried my best to appear tough in front of her. Of course, I will lie if I will tell her I am totally fine when that's not what I feel.

"I'm sorry, Carmella." Hope said as she looked down. She looked guilty instead of being happy from our teacher’s announcement.

"Whew, don't mind it, dear. You don't apologize for being great. Remember that."

I can see the worried look from her. I think she's also putting herself in my shoes and the humiliation and the pressure that I am experiencing right now. Funny, I am also trying my best to feel positive despite my 'best friends'-turn-bashers because of what happened. They only side to where they think is great without even considering my feelings.

"I guess it must be hard for you." She bit her lip as she tried meeting my gaze. I tapped her shoulders as I smiled.

"Yes. That's true. But I guess I should also accept that I will not always be the first."

"Carmella, I really feel guilty. I think I am being responsible for what happened a while ago."

"If you ask, it is totally fine with me. However, not all people around me can easily accept it to the point of them making a buzz out of it." I can see Hope sighed as she tapped my shoulders back.

"Don't mind them. The important thing is you know yourself more than their judgement on you. The important thing is, we believe you more than them. Okay?"

"Let's study harder. I will also convince our classmates to stop what they are doing to you."

"Hope, don't mind them. Let them air their own opinions. Everyone is entitled to their own thoughts."

"You don't deserve to be hated this much."

"I am just accepting that I can't please everyone."

"Yes. That's true. However, remember that there will always be people who will love you for who you are."

"Thank you Hope." I find myself hugging her. I didn't expect that her words would be very comforting that it made me cry. She let me go as she smiled. She held both of my hands.

"You know what? Let's just eat snacks before we go home, my treat." Hope rested her arms on my shoulders. She called her dad to pick us up somewhere. She told me that she wanted to experience riding a public utility vehicle around our school. I gladly agreed since she's still new to our place and school.

We rode a jeepney and she happily looked outside the window. I also told her to cover her mouth and nose. We can easily smell unpleasant smoke because of the air pollution caused by a lot of cars and vehicles. She points to a place where we could eat our snacks.

"Wow! Burger King!" She giggled when she noticed how enthusiastic I am as I entered the fast-food restaurant.

"Yes. I noticed it made you feel better the last time."

"Yeah. I love their chicken sandwich and burgers,even their fries!" I enumerated my favorite foods that made her laugh as she nodded.

"Okay, okay. We will order all of it. Make sure to finish everything, okay? I will help you, don't worry." She said as she smiled.

We lined up at the counter and we ordered foods worth six-hundred pesos in total. I am amazed by Hope's allowance that's given by her father. I only get one-hundred or even lower than that because my mother will always tell me that we are not rich. She's also telling me to be content at all times.

"How are you feeling now?" She asked between chuckles. I hurriedly chewed my chicken sandwich before I answered her.

"Of course! I love it! Thank you so much Hope!"

"I love to see you happy. I'm sorry once again."

"Huh? What for?" Curious, I stopped eating as I dropped my fork as I ate my spaghetti.

"I still feel guilty. I can't help but feel like I am the one responsible for what you're feeling right now." Hope said looking into my eyes. I can instantly feel the sincerity from her tone of voice.

"Don't feel guilty. I am okay now, Hope. Thanks to you." I encircled my hand around her arms and it made her smile. I felt happy about our food trip that I almost forgot the bad feeling that awaits me at home.

Hope requested her father to drop me off in front of the street where our house stands. I can't imagine how my heart pounded when I slowly twisted our doorknob of our front door. The worried look from my eyes never escaped from my mom. She cooked stir-fried vegetables and fried fish. Even if I am very full, I feel like I have to swallow whatever she cooked for me or else I will be dead.

"Eat your dinner quickly because I will be asking you something."

From what I heard from her, I felt like losing my strength from my single nerve. She looked at me as if she's very serious. She's raising her eyebrows as she observes every single thing I do.

When I was done washing our dishes, she faced me right away.

"Where's your test papers?"

I am shaking as I showed her my papers. I tried controlling my tears but to no avail.

"You know what to do." She said as she slapped my test paper on my face. I nodded as I got the container full of rock salt and spread it on our tiled floor. She's just looking at me when I started kneeling on it.

"Stay there for thirty minutes. The time starts now." I nodded as I wept silently. I can't even look at her straight on the eyes because my knees started to hurt so bad it is now numbing too much.

I am used to these punishments. This is not the worst, for the record. Because I am only down with two points, thirty minutes is the minimum minutes for every punishment she's giving me.

However, whenever she'll do it, it always breaks my heart. I am always asking myself if I am really her daughter or not at all. I slowly looked around and the living room was already silent. I think mom is already sleeping in her room.

I can see that five minutes already passed but it already hurts like hell. I remembered I received a punishment similar to this last three months ago that's why it feels new to me right now.

I am thinking of standing up but what if she's secretly watching me? I know she'll add some minutes more if she'll discover that I am cheating her required time for the punishment. I sighed and waited for a lot of minutes, not feeling my knees anymore this time.

"Get up and study." I slowly opened my eyes when I heard my mom's voice. I glanced at the wall clock and I saw that I spent thirty-five minutes kneeling on the rock salt. I waited for a minute before I slowly got up. When I looked at my knees, I noticed that both of my knees were bleeding because of the rock salt that bruised my skin badly. I started crying again which made my mother angrier even more.

"Do you want me to give you another punishment for not shutting your mouth?"

"S-Sorry, mom." I replied between sobs. I started moving a bit fast as I went to the bathroom to clean my wounds. I can see from my peripheral vision that she's following my every move with her meticulous eyes.

"Stop crying and pull yourself together. You don't cry and get perfect scores. You study more and get real results."

"I will always remember it, mom."

I was crying silently when she left me. She went back to her room and I guess, right now, she will sleep because she needs to wake up at two in the morning for her first hour at work inside our house.

I looked at her as I closed my fist. I have to strive harder to prove her wrong. I will study more for her to tell me I am the best again...even if I will just hear it from her once a year, in front of many people.

The next day, I got up at five in the morning and prepared for school. I knew that the library would be opened at exactly six in the morning. I have to be early because I have no complete set of books. My mom prepared my breakfast but she slept again before I woke up because of the nature of her work as a home-based call center agent. I know she doesn't want to be disturbed when she's slept. That's the reason why I just left a simple 'thank you' note because somehow, she never lets me starve.

I walked until I reached the bus stop. I can see some students from other schools get on the same bus where I am at. I think they are also going to school early because they also need to study. I experienced a lot of difficulties last night. I decided to never inform Hope that I will be going to the library today. We have two major quizzes in Science and Math today. I have to show my mom that I can always live to her expectations from me and nobody can ever change it, even Hope.

I opened the door from the library with high hopes. Nobody should ever let me down, even myself.