Chapter 0 Prologue

It had been a beautiful, warm, late May day in Mankato, Minnesota and the music festivals and carnivals had begun. Elise had enjoyed an outside concert with Kenny and their group of friends this afternoon. The headliner was locally famous, but not famous outside of Minnesota. When the music ended, everyone went to the pizza parlor for a late supper before heading home. All those in this group had just graduated from high school. This summer was going to be so much fun before they all went their separate ways, to college. As usual, Elise had ridden with Kenny today, so he would be giving her a ride home. Everyone seemed in great spirits and tomorrow would be more of the same. After they had their fill of pizza, they split the bill and agreed they should all get some sleep before a full day tomorrow. Being Friday, the music hadn’t started today until afternoon. Tomorrow being Saturday, the music started at 9:00AM and ran straight through until 10:00PM. I gave Analiese(Ana) a huge goodbye hug, my heart pounding with excitement as always when we were close. Ana waved as she walked off to her ride with Carter. Ana had recently been hired as a bank teller, but didn’t start until Monday morning. Carter worked at the local hardware store so would work similar hours as Ana. Kenny’s parents were wealthy, so he didn’t have to work, but occasionally helped out at his father’s business. This weekend was like our last hurrah before adulthood sucked us in. I had already been working full time as a Certified Nursing Assistant (CNA) since graduation in late May, but once all of us were working full time, it would be much more difficult to make plans and get together. Luckily for me, my mother was fairly laid back about me being out and about since I was eighteen and had graduated high school. With high school behind me and college ahead, I felt like I had the world at my feet. Kenny, my boyfriend of a year was tall, athletic, blond with straight white teeth, a decent sense of humor, and he attended my church. Of course if I’m being honest, he was more like a friend than a boyfriend, but all our other friends had paired off, so it was only right that we began dating as well. We had discussed that once we left for college, it would be hard to stay together, but we were going to make the most of this summer. Carter and Kenny were both attending college in Ely, Minnesota to study law enforcement. So, the chances of seeing them once they left were very minimal. They would have each other and be several hours from Rochester ( where I would be) or Mankato (where Analiese was staying). So this summer was our last chance to make memories, because in three months we would be scattered. Most of our dates and activities were completed as a group, with one or the other of the couples driving the other home afterward. Kenny always drove because my “old truck,” as he called it, just wasn’t up to his standards. Kenny had a bit of a mean streak when he didn’t get his way, but I’d never seen it aimed at anyone other than those he played sports against or other students he felt were beneath him. The fact that Kenny’s father had a very successful local business was a big ego boost for Kenny, and every so often, he would make comments that his father could buy someone else’s parents or other such things, but then he always said he was joking. Little did I know until this night, how serious those comments were. Kenny grabbed my hand and led me to his BMW to give me a ride home. When he opened the door for me, he pulled me in close to him, put his hands on my hips, kissed me aggressively,

and moved one hand down to cup my a$$. I quickly put my hands on Kenny’s chest and pushed him back while trying to laugh it off, “ Kenny, stop. We’re in public.” “Okay, sorry. Seeing you in this cute little outfit all day has really made it hard to keep my hands to myself.” I ducked into the car and Kenny shut the door behind me while he ran around to the driver’s side. We left the restaurant and headed toward my house, but instead of stopping, Kenny drove out into the countryside. I couldn’t help but feel concern and asked quietly, “Kenny, where are we going?” I had no idea why we were here, but I didn’t have a good feeling about it. Kenny pulled up to the scenic overlook on the bluff overlooking our hometown. Mankato was beautiful at night. Kenny shut off the engine but left the radio on before turning toward me to finally answer, “You didn’t want me putting my hands on you with other people around, so I thought we could be alone here.” Kenny grabbed my hand before continuing. “We talked about making memories the rest of the time we have left, so I figured this was a good way to start.” Kenny started running his hand up my arm and started to play with my hair. “I’m pretty tired tonight, and we have a full day tomorrow. Can you please take me home?” How do I get out of this without hurting his feelings? We have done so well at ‘dating,’ only by title, and I was very happy with that. Where was this coming from? “You know Elise, I’ve been very patient, and we have dated a little over a year now. I know you are a ‘good Christian girl,’ and that’s why I’ve been patient.” Kenny made the gesture of quotation marks around ’good Christian girl.’ “You do realize that men have needs right? It’s up to their girlfriends to meet those needs.” Kenny slowly moved his hand from her hair to her cheek and then her chest as he softly squeezed her brea$t. “We aren’t only adults, but we have also graduated high school now. I think it’s time we up the game a little.” Elise gasped as he squeezed her brea$t and Kenny took that as a sign to kiss her, tongue and all. Both his hands moved to her chest as his mouth moved to Elise’s neck. Elise was shocked and not completely aware of what was happening until she thought: What the h*ll? Finally she regained her senses, began to feel slightly sick to her stomach, and put her hands against his chest to push him away. “Kenny, please stop. I’m sorry, but I want to go home.” “Oh Elise, I don’t think you know what you want, but I can show you.” Kenny moved back up to her mouth and his hands continued their descent as Elise started to struggle in earnest now. “Kenny, I said stop.” Kenny continued and tried to unfasten her blouse buttons. “Kenny,” no response, “Kenny,” she yelled two more times before he finally responded by pulling back and making eye contact. He looked quite angry, but he did stop. “Please stop and take me home.” Elise folded her arms over her chest like she was protecting herself from him. “Are you just a tease Elise?” Kenny sounded very angry and his deep voice had a bite to it. Elise shook her head with her mouth slightly hanging open, not used to seeing this level of anger aimed at her. “No, I’m just not interested in you like that. I’mmm sssorry.” Elise stuttered slightly on the last two words, trying to keep from breaking down in tears. Kenny laughed in a sardonic tone before making the comment that really hurt, “Maybe you’re just frigid then, since you have no interest in $ex?” Such a cruel comment had Elise stunned, but she was able to tell him, “Take me home! Now, please.”

Kenny turned back toward the steering wheel and turned the ignition. “That’s fine Elise. Just know that if I take you home now, I will ruin your reputation and everyone will know what a tease you are.” Kenny grabbed Elise’s hand in an angry manner and placed it on his rigid male member before continuing, “If I take you home now, we are done…. and my family will know what a loser you are. I’ll gladly take you home. I wasted the last year of my life with a plethora of women offering to join my bed. I guess the female population will now once again be graced with my superior $exual prowe$$. Maybe you are doing us both a favor?” He releases her hand, slams his car in reverse, punches the accelerator, kicking gravel out behind the car, before squealing off down the curvy hill. Elise was scared because he was driving so erratically, but she didn’t dare say anything for fear it would make it worse. By the time Kenny pulled into her driveway, Elise was shaking and had silent tears running down her face. Elise opened the door to get out, but Kenny wasn’t quite done. “If you tell anyone about this, I won’t just ruin you, but your mother and the twins too. So I’d think twice before telling anyone.” Elise nodded in response as she opened the door and walked hastily toward her modest family home. Just as she reached the door, Kenny’s BMW again sped backward from her driveway, and then squealing the tires as it shot off like a rocket down the road. Elise went straight to her bedroom and cried herself to sleep. The next morning, Elise texted Ana: Elise: Ana, I’m sorry but I can’t make it today. I hope you all have a great time at the music festival. Ana: Are you okay? Elise: Yes, I’m fine. I’m just feeling under the weather, so I’m going to stay home. Sorry to cancel. I love you and we will talk soon. Ana: Okay. I hope you feel better. Try to get some rest. Elise spent the next three months before heading off to college working with her counselor on the deep hurt she felt from the night Kenny dumped her because she wouldn’t put out. The second thing she examined was why she had no feeling toward any of the three guys she had dated. Elise enjoyed the time they spent together as long as it was platonic, but beyond that, she was completely out of her comfort zone. By the end of the summer, Elise had come to terms with the fact she was attracted to women and not men. Unfortunately Elise was still quite uncomfortable about it herself though, and told no one other than her mother and her counselor. Her counselor was paid to keep quiet, and her mother was too embarrassed to tell anyone. Tamara (Elise’s mother) was okay with people being gay as long as it was other people’s kids. Tamara in fact had expressed to Elise that since she had always dated males, she must be mistaken. Elise through herself into work and making money and bowed out of all group activities for the rest of the summer. Ana and Elise had gotten together numerous times, but Ana was the only one she willingly went out of her way to see. Since the split with Kenny, everyone whispered and pointed anytime Elise went anywhere other than work, so she did her best not to go anywhere that was absolutely necessary. Kenny did just what he promised and ruined her reputation, but Elise refused to let her mistakes ruin the lives of her family.

Moving

Sitting here at the same table she had eaten at since starting kindergarten, Elise felt like that same child but completely different at the same time. Even though she was eighteen and leaving for college, her mother would always see her as her ‘little girl’. Elise however, knew she hadn’t been a little girl since her father passed away when she was a tween. She had just finished the last lunch she would eat with her mother in a long time. Leaving was bittersweet. Elise’s mom had brought up Elise’s ex-boyfriend again, and Elise reminded her mother again, that she was never attracted to any of the guys she had dated. In fact even though she could admit some men were attractive, Elise was never attracted to any male, ever. Her mother was convinced Elise just hadn’t met ‘the right one’ yet, and would change her mind when she did. Looking down at the worn, checkered, yellow and grey linoleum, Elise spoke her mind. “Mom, I don’t think you get it. I didn’t choose to be gay,” Elise said in a shaky voice as she held back tears. This was so hard for her to talk about, and her mom just didn’t want to believe it. Elise just could not meet Tamara’s eyes as they discussed this sensitive topic. Thank goodness their Lutheran Church no longer condemned people for who they loved or who they were attracted to. This was something Elise had struggled with throughout high school when she dated because it was expected, not because she wanted to, and never felt any emotions but shame and confusion. “Oh come on Elise. You’ve always had boyfriends, so don’t be so dramatic. You’re just confused!” Tamara exclaimed, as she wiped the table clean then walked back to the sink to rinse the rag. “You act as though this is some phase I’m going through. I assure you, that isn’t the case,” Elise responds while wiping one stray tear from her cheek before her mom could notice it. Now is not the time to show weakness. Must be strong since I’m leaving for college. If I’m weak, she won’t support my going. Tamara turns back toward the table and really looks at her daughter. Elise’s long dark hair shimmers as the sunlight shines through the kitchen window. Dark brown eyes surrounded by beautiful dark eyelashes finally look up at her mother. Elise’s athletic, muscular frame is evident as she sits with her arms crossed over her ribs, leaning on the four person, oak table in front of her. The expression on her face appears sad and serious, unlike most days when Elise had come home from school, work, or one of the many dates she went on with boys. Tamara didn’t understand why after high school graduation her daughter seemed to swear off boys and throw herself into working for the summer. Tamara figured she would try to lighten the mood, “Elise, many kids experiment when they go off to college. It’s a hard time, moving away from your family and all your friends. So go, sow your wild oats, but do so responsibly. I’m way too young to be a grandmother,” Tamara laughs as she says the last line. Elise’s face tightens as she grits her teeth. Instead of lightening the mood, all Tamara’s comment did was upset Elise further and prove just how little her mother understood what she was trying to tell her. She still doesn’t listen to a damn word I say. She thinks she knows me so well and that, “I’ll come around,” and “find a nice boy to settle down with.” How can she worry about becoming a grandmother when I couldn’t even stand to do more than hold hands with Kenny? Why does she think I quit dating? Hell Kenny went around telling everyone I was “a tease,” or “must be frigid since I’m not interested in sex.” Talk about mortified.

“Well Mom, I need to get going to check into my dorm room yet today. Andrea is probably already there. I look forward to meeting my new roommate. Thank you for lunch.” Standing up and walking around the table as she spoke. Elise gave her mom a stiff hug and said, “Even though we don’t always see eye to eye, I love you. I hope Evie and Rett (Elise’s younger twin siblings) do well in junior high. Thanks for everything Mom.” “I love you too El. The twins will miss you. I know it’s been hard since your father passed away. I’ve done my best, I hope you know that?” As Tamara ended her goodbye in a question, Elise straightened with her hands on her Mom’s upper arms, looked her Mom in the eye and nodded. Tears again threatened to fall, so instead of saying anything else, she bent down slightly and kissed her Mom on her cheek. Grabbing her truck keys off the hook behind the kitchen table, she walked down the short hall to the entryway, slipped on her grey Crocs, and walked out the front door. Onyourself! ce in her used 5 speed Toyota Tacoma, she focused on the two hour drive with her packed truck. Elise had everything packed the night before and was more than ready to leave the small town judgements and extreme conservative views behind. Elise was deep in thought and ready for her college adventure to begin. Nervous, yes, but so ready for a change. Maybe away from eyes that saw too much and judged everything, Elise could really be herself and stop pretending to be someone she is not. Of course, it's pretty hard to hide from