chapter 5 Self-esteem and inferiority complex

I limped and walked very fast, until I completely disappeared from her sight, then I suddenly raised my head, roared into the sky with a wow, and burst into tears...

My cries were drowned in the torrential rain, as if the whole world was crying for me. At that moment, I felt like the most unfortunate person in the world! ! !

Dragging my distraught body, I stepped into a Bar that was extremely unfamiliar to me, with flickering lights, surging music, dancing crowd, and crazy restlessness. I was submerged in the crowd, drinking wine alone, drinking one glass after another, I heard that alcohol can anesthetize the nerves and make the suffering people happy, but why do I feel dizzy and nauseated after drinking so much, and the troubles in my heart have not been eliminated at all!

The people on the dance floor danced more and more happily, so many beauties like snake monsters were twisting and dancing wildly around a proud son, looking at others, and then looking at themselves, as if they were not from this world, Why can others live so confidently, but I want to live so aggrieved? The road ahead is so long, how should I go? Do I want to live like this for the rest of my life?

No, I can't give up on myself. No matter how rough the road ahead is, I must do my best to live my life. If I want to change this painful fate, there is only one choice, and that is to go to college.

In the past, I lost my chance to go to college because of lack of money, strength, and courage. Now I have 10,000 yuan in my pocket. I think, as long as there is a glimmer of hope, I will fight for this only chance to change my destiny. Thinking of this, I picked up the wine glass in my hand and drank it down.

The next day, I had my hair cut, bought a cheap suit, made myself a little more human, and headed straight to school.

Holding the admission letter, I ran around the school, begging for help everywhere, trying hard to make ends meet. In the end, the school agreed to accept me, a belated little cripple.

After completing the formalities, I immediately went to the allocated dormitory. This is a four-person dormitory. When I arrived, the other three were there. One was playing a game. I didn't understand. I only heard him shouting to hurry up Come to Area A to place a package or something. Another one was watching a movie on the computer, and the woman in the screen was naked, which made me, who had never seen the world, blush. Compared with these two dicks, the other one is much taller, and he is dressed very fashionable. At this moment, he is yelling at the mobile phone, saying that he doesn't want to live in this ghost place, and wants to apply to the school for renting a house.

These three people have different shapes, but they have one fucking thing in common, that is, they treat me as a transparent person. I didn't even need to introduce myself to them, I just went to my bed lonely and packed my things.

After I really integrated into it, I realized that college life is not as beautiful as I imagined, and the people here are not as simple as my classmates in the country. Popularity, for a disabled person like me who wants nothing but nothing, it is difficult to make friends. People always eat and go to class in groups, but I am always alone.

In the eyes of others, maybe I am just air, or maybe I am an eyesore, and the environment makes me seem to have autism. My sensitive heart can feel that many people reject me, in order not to hinder others. Eyes, I always hide in the corner, no matter in class or eating. Even walking, I choose the secluded road.

Although I don’t feel any warmth, I will not give up on myself. I have no family, no relatives and friends, and I can only rely on myself. I have to work a thousand times harder than others to survive in this indifferent world. I listened carefully to every class, went to the library to read a lot of books, and took part-time jobs when I was free, fighting for next year's tuition and making a living.

The days of being alone and working hard have passed for a long time, and I have gradually adapted to it, but there is a feeling that I can't get rid of, that is, I am afraid of meeting Ruby.

Ten thousand yuan made me draw a clear line between her and me. I originally planned to stay away from her world and never meet her again. However, no matter how much I struggle, no matter how much I want to stay away from her, I can't give up on myself because of this. The opportunity to go to college, now, I only hope that in the huge campus, she and I can become two parallel lines, and we must never meet by chance. However, God will not easily grant your wish, and it seems inevitable that we will meet again.

One evening after the National Day, as usual, I walked alone on the quiet path with my head down. Suddenly, a scent of fragrance entered my nose. , she, wearing a set of white casual clothes, with earphones hanging on her ears, looks so youthful and fashionable, walking with her is the Mandy girl from the restaurant last time, the two of them stood together, still It's such a stark contrast, but at this moment, the beauty and the ugliness all stared wide-eyed, revealing a look of surprise.

We were like this, with six eyes facing each other for a long time, Ruby stared at me while slowly taking off the earphones, hesitant to speak.

I knew what she wanted to ask, so I took out my student ID card and held it in front of her, pursed my lips and said, "I also go to school here!"

Ruby stared at my student ID card, and was even more surprised, and couldn't help saying: "What a coincidence!"

I nodded slightly, and said softly: "Well, then I'll go first." After finishing speaking, I left without looking back.

After walking for a long time, I heard the curious voice of the Mandy girl: "Ruby, isn't he the Disabled Man who gave his life to save you last time? Why don't you thank him!"

Mandy doesn't know, but I know that Ruby is speechless to me. No matter what kind of person I am in her heart, at least Ruby has already felt my indifference and deliberately avoiding me. She wisely chose to be with me from now on. irrelevant.

After that, when we meet again, we are already strangers, as if we never knew each other, and we don’t even need to say hello. This should be the result I want, but why did it become like this, but I feel so heartbroken. So empty.

Looking back on the past, I was really cheap, blindly avoiding and blindly pretending, she wanted to say something to me, but I ignored it, or dealt with it with damned lies. At that time, I just wanted to have nothing to do with her, I just want to quickly escape from her sight, and now the two really have nothing to do with each other, but I feel even more uncomfortable than that time.

I can't figure out why I have to be so mean, is it because I am angry with her, or because I am afraid that she will cause me trouble? Or do you want to forget her completely?

After thinking about it all night, it dawned on me, and I finally understood that the reason why I didn't dare to face her again, because I was unhappy that she gave me money, and I kept saying things against my will, was because of his mother's two words: low self-esteem.

There is only a thin line between inferiority complex and self-esteem. The inferiority complex is just because the self-esteem is too strong. I want to keep my damn self-esteem in front of Ruby so much, just because, from the first time I saw her, she has the status of a goddess in my heart. I haven't changed, I just, I just don't want to be looked down upon by the goddess.

After knowing this fact, I will always run to the playground intentionally or unintentionally, hiding in a corner where there is no one, thinking about sneaking a look at Ruby, but unintentionally planting willows and willows to make shade, intentionally planting flowers but not posting, some things are very difficult once I do it deliberately. It's hard to realize. When I want to see her, I always can't see her. Perhaps, some things are lost and never found again, including fate.

Until the end of October, my life was still lonely and busy. I didn’t see Ruby again, and nothing special happened. I accepted my fate a little bit, and I really let go, but things will suddenly happen when you change your mind. come.

That day, I was coming out of the library, and I was walking alone on a small path. From a distance, I saw a group of people gathered together. When I got closer, I realized that the similar scene was repeated, and it was Ruby who was killed again. I was entangled, and the entangled group of people, coincidentally, was a group of Gangster headed by Long-haired Man . They found the school and came. My heart pounded, and I subconsciously hid behind a tree.

I faintly heard the Gangster Ruby to lose money. He was talking about the last time they were injured. He also said that their elder brother almost lost his life and gave Ruby all my debts. Obviously they came prepared. , I don’t even know if I’m born with luck or bad luck. Every time I need a hero to save the beauty, I can always catch up. However, I have learned two lessons and tasted serious consequences. I really dare not Don't be reckless anymore.

I can't afford that kind of price anymore. It's not easy for me to study in this university. I can't ruin my future. I don't want my other leg to be maimed by them. Under the circumstances, I still chose to hide behind the tree and watch quietly.

I thought, no matter how lawless those Gangster are, they wouldn't dare to mess around in school. After taking this reassurance, I became more determined not to stand out, but this determination came when I saw Ruby helpless and pitiful The eyes wavered again. To be honest, I really have no immunity to Ruby. No matter how rational and calm I am, once I touch Ruby's eyes, I will easily become dazed and moved.

Her beauty is so attractive to me, her expression is so seductive to me, my heart keeps shaking, and when I was hesitating, Ruby , who was confronting the Gangster , suddenly caught a glimpse of me hiding behind the tree , At the moment when the four eyes met, I couldn't hold back anymore, no matter how cowardly and thick-skinned I was, I couldn't hide it anymore, so I slowly moved my feet away, and was about to walk towards them.

However, my little bear has not started to draw his sword to help, but the real hero showed up at a critical moment!

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